we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
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After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
road rage
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
