We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
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Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
When news reporters do sports stories
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
respect
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.