We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
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[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Thank you corporation very cool
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces