Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”