We will use anything but the metric system
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Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I hope they boil the right one.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.