We will use anything but the metric system
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this