We will use anything but the metric system
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I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Come back with a warrant
I feel it
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!