We will use anything but the metric system
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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
imagine getting destroyed like this
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
