“We will wed,” I threatened
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5