“We will wed,” I threatened
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God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
The First Farmer
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
He has no idea 🤡
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.