“We will wed,” I threatened
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were