We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
What if the weather talks about us?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?