We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
hi why am I like this
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Well, shit
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
every olympics i turn into this guy
