We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I found your tweet-up…
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.