Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

Weirdly Wednesday.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.