Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running