weaknesses
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My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.