weaknesses
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I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Okay
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.