Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Body by Oreos

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating