Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
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If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]