Weaknesses.
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Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
relationship goals