Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.