Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!