Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

me and the Superbowl rn

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.