Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*