Weaknesses.
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Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please