Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

Happy Taco Tuesday

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”