Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.