Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

reminder

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

The Eggorcist

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.