Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
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Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.