Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Always a housemaid, never a house.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*