Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

Ah yes. The three genders

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills