Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

Brother?

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”