Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I have questions??
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.