Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
you will never know the true number of layers
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Banana is the quietest snack
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?