Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries