Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no