Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*