Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
You Might Also Like
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.