Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”