Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.