Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.