Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”