Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.