Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat