*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
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a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I’m too immature for adultery.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Have kids, they said
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
#dalle2
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.