Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse