wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
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They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
🤣
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
not to brag but my psychiatrist says i’m extremely intellectually flexible and emotionally astute. i might actually be the psychiatrist now.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?