wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
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The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
let’s discuss
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.