wearing a jumpsuit is so fun and flirty until youre in a public restroom
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!