wearing a jumpsuit is so fun and flirty until youre in a public restroom
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A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
War & Peace
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
How to make infinite energy.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.