Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
There’s never enough good news
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
How dramatic are you?
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.