Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
🙋♀️
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture