Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
They did not think through this water fountain
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Terribly Tuesday.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
