Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

what does he know…

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

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