[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
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Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here