[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
This is a sub tweet
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I’d hang this in my house.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!