Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?