Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.