Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.