Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.