Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

That’s it.I’m out.

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

This did not end as expected.

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!