Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Dolls on drugs