Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
You Might Also Like
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I don’t hate children, just yours.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?