Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.