wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
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doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer
“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE