wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.