Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)