Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.