“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!