“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Okay this one takes it home
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.