Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.