Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
👽
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
The honesty is refreshing
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.