Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
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Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I bet birds love this building.
cry laughing at this shit
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.