Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.