@BadJordon

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

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@SortaBad

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

@junejuly12

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

@BinyominS

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

@truegritrumble

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

@rn_murse

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

@kcmoore51

I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.

@JermHimselfish

As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”

@mela_shea

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes