Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

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[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”


Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.


*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*


Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow


i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch


(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*


Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?


*i did


I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.


As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”


Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes