Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.