Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
You Might Also Like
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Worth a try
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.