Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*